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Feelings Will Follow

April 7, 2026 at 11:12 AM 1 comment

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I may have mentioned that I’m reading through several Jay Adams’ books because of my counseling curriculum I’m pursuing. In his book, The Christian Counselor’s Manual, he offers extensive biblical information regarding numerous areas that are necessary for Christians to thoroughly understand from God’s perspective. One of the things I’ve been particularly interested in is Adams’ explanation of what it means to love; to love God and to love others. He also deals with romantic love.

In chapter 15 titled Love in Counseling, Adams talks deeply about how love is the absolute goal. We know this is true from Scripture because of the fact that the entirety of the Law can be summed up in loving God with every fiber of your being and to love others as we tend to love ourselves. But what is profound is the way Adams reiterates what Scripture says about love.

Too often today, we tend to “love” as Hollywood has taught people to love. In that case, love is based purely on feelings. We see this all the time in movies and even in relationships of Hollywood celebs in real life. Things are wonderful between couples, until they are not. At that point, it is said that they grew out of love for the other person and most often end up parting amicably as friends. It is clear that in these cases, love is merely a feeling and when the feeling starts to fade, so does the “love.” Is this what God means by loving Him and others?

In the apostle John’s first letter to readers, he takes the time to outline just exactly what love is and what it is not. He first says that if we love the world, we are not truly loving God and in fact, states clearly that “…the love of the Father is not in us” (1 John 2:15b). In 1 John 4, John spells out what love is, how it works and that perfect love casts out all fear. That love perfects us if we continue to abide in Him (1 John 4:16-17). Abiding here means to continue loving God and others. When we stop loving God or others as God wants us to, then we are no longer abiding in Him. This does not mean we lose our salvation as some allege. It means that we are not living in obedience to His commands to love.

What Jay Adams contextualizes for us is the truth that loving (God and others), is being obedient to God’s commands. Being obedient does not necessarily mean we will want to do what we should do or that we will feel like loving as He loves us. Adams compares the world’s way of thinking, brought about by secularized psychology over decades with Scripture. We have been taught that we need to practice more “self care.” This usually amounts to a complete focus on Self and how Self can best be catered to. Of course, this is the absolute antithesis of what God wants for us. He tells us that whoever loses his life will find it (Matthew 10:39). So the focus should not be on our own felt needs, but on God first and others second. In doing so, our own lives will find fulfillment.

But how does one do this when he/she is so used to being preoccupied with pleasing Self? Adams, reiterating the truth of the Bible, says we must simply obey. John says it clearly.

3 And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. 4 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: 6 whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked. (1 John 1:3-6 ESV)

Okay, so what do we as Christians do? How do we manage to live the life God wants us to live? Adams summarizes it this way.

The Bible, contrary to the presuppositions of the psychologizers, insists upon the opposite procedure (of trying to find what he calls “ego strength”): one must obey God regardless of his self-image. He is not excused by pleading that he does not possess the ego strength to obey. Only by obedience can he achieve any sort of inner satisfaction at all. If one says that he “feels” inadequate, it is probably because he is! He does not need to be convinced that he isn’t in order to do adequate things; he must begin to do them if he wishes to feel adequate.

Rather than ego strength leading to righteous behavior, righteous behavior is the sole source from which one may derive a satisfying self-concept. But since righteous behavior always involves seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (never in order to get things added at the end), the danger of the latent hedonism wrapped up in the contrary view is avoided. [1]

As someone who grew up in a fairly stable home, though filled with tension due to the fact that my parents both had type A personalities, that created tension between them and within the home. I learned early on that feelings created my world view and motivation. That stayed with me for decades and there are still remnants of it hanging on today. According to Adams, the only way to overcome that is to begin consistently living in obedience to God’s commands. As I (or you), get in the habit of living this way, truly loving God and others becomes easier to do. This is why John can say in 1 John 5:3, “For this is the love of God, that we should keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome.” If they are not burdensome, then maybe I’ve been missing something. What is it I’ve missed?

Adams summarizes the difference between secularized love (hedonism) and biblical love. He likens it to the world seeing love as getting while biblical love is giving. Being feelings-oriented, a person will do whatever they can to “get” whatever it is they are striving for so that they feel fulfilled. Being biblically-oriented means doing exactly what God tells us we need to do to bring Him glory. In doing this, we will also find fulfillment in a way that nothing else in life can provide for us.

I also appreciate the way Adams compares the Church and the way Jesus loves us versus the way we often attempt to live our lives. Consider that while we were yet enemies Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). While we were still enemies of God did something that no one would have thought of doing. He gave His life so that we might have a chance at receiving eternal life. How many of us would do the same? How many of us would respond with actual love (words, attitude or actions), to someone who is our enemy?

In essence God did not reach out to and create the Church (comprised of believers), because we were so lovable. That’s not the case at all. He reached out to us when we were thoroughly unlovable. He did what He did simply because of His tremendous love for us as is His nature. Because God is love, He was compelled by His nature to reach out, live a sinless life in the flesh and die a horribly brutal death, all so that we might find eternal life in Him.

So when God tells us to love Him and others, He is speaking from His own nature and experience. If we call ourselves Christians, there is no alternative except to love as He loves. But the important point here is that we cannot wait for our feelings to compel us. We must make active decisions daily (many times throughout the day), to follow Him in loving as He loves. There is no other option for believers, except to cater to Self by following our feelings.

In the counseling curriculum I am undertaking, the founder, Tim Bryant, talks about putting on and putting off. He says there are five rules of biblical communication and here he is referring to communication between a husband and a wife. However, these five things cover the gamut of all relationships.

Tim lists the five rules as:

1. Gracious Responses vs Angry Reactions
2. Listen Humbly
3. Speak Truth in Love
4. Address the Problem; Edify the Person
5. Keep Current

Under the first concept – Gracious Responses vs Angry Reactions – Tim lists the “put offs” found in Ephesians 4:31.

• all bitterness
• all wrath
• all anger
• all clamor
• all slander
• all malice

Then he lists the “put ons” found in Ephesians 4:32.

• kindness
• tender-heartedness
• forgiveness
• forbearance

We are responsible to “put off” and “put on” with the help of the Spirit within us. We must make the active decision here. Tim notes that when we angrily react to something, we are not using faith at all. We are simply being pushed by our feelings. If we consider the state of much of society, we see large portions of the population devoid of self-control. They simply react to whatever circumstance they encounter, usually in anger. Reacting like this is not loving.

If you are like me, bad habits die hard and it is easy for me to fall back on and rely on feelings rather than use faith in a given situation to glorify Him and grow further in my faith by actively loving God and others. This is where it can get a bit tricky. We don’t necessarily want to react badly to a person or situation, do we? But overriding or ignoring the way we might instantly feel can be daunting because our feelings are pushing us to react in a way that is not God honoring. So what do we do?

It unfortunately takes practice. If we claim to be believers, then clearly, we must learn to respond to things as Jesus would respond, correct? What can we do to help ourselves get there? Several things. First, we can be familiar with just exactly how Jesus responded. Understanding and reminding ourselves of the way Jesus responded to people helps us understand how God responds to us. Tim provides an example within the bonds of marriage.

I am to deal with my spouse’s offense “just as” God in Christ has dealt with mine. The treatment of God toward my sin becomes the ruling motive and model for how I am to deal with other’s sins against me…I am to extend to my spouse this grace I have received from God in Christ. The greatest gift I have received in my life is God’s gracious responses toward my sin. When I choose to deal with my spouse’s sin sinfully, I am provoking the Lord to cease His kindness, sympathy and forgiveness toward my sin (Mark 11:25; Luke 6:37; Matthew 6:12; 18:32-35). My opportunity to grow in the experience of God’s grace and character is strengthened most when my spouse is most unworthy of such kindness and sympathy and I imitate Christ (Ephesians 5:1). [2]

God has His commands and they are all summarized in loving Him and others. The Bible breaks things down for us so that we know how to begin loving Him and others. We cannot do it by relying on our feelings because our feelings will always point us to serving Self. However, as Adams states, as we learn to love God and others as He does (through obedience to His commands, our feelings will come along and support our efforts. I firmly believe this is what Paul means when he says we must work out our salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12); fear of always falling back on feelings that will serve Self and trembling to ensure that we are always humble before the Lord.

This is our sanctification and there is no shortcut.

[1] Jay Adams, The Christian Counselor’s Manual, page 148

[2]  Foundations: Change That Sticks! pages 12-2 to 12-3

Entry filed under: christianity, Cultural Marxism, Emotional virtue, Religious - Christian - Prophecy, Religious - Christian - Theology, salvation, sanctification. Tags: ego strength, foundations change that sticks, loving god, obedience to god's commands.